On Error Messages (A Rant)

         I’m going to deviate from my typical formula and go on a bit of a sidebar here.  
         In an earlier post (see fancy link here), I discussed how I am considered to be a bit of a geek, and how a number of friends seek (and/or ignore) my counsel when it comes to fixing things.  I am also contacted - usually via IM or incomplete text message - whenever programs or devices do not function as expected.
         These are commonly known as “errors.”
         The problem with errors lies not in the fact that they exist (almost always for a reason), but that the majority of times when they occur, the user is not paying attention to what the error is saying.
         Here’s a summary of roughly 92% of initial conversations where an error is involved:

                   User:  I’m getting an error message when I __________.
                   Support:  What did the error say?
                   User:  I don’t know.

         Error messages do not exist solely to piss the user off, contrary to popular belief.  They exist for a reason.  The primary reason for an error is to prevent the user from doing something they’re not supposed to do, such as load legal paper into the letter tray of a printer or dividing by zero.  Most error messages will even tell you what the problem is, if one were to merely pay attention.  It never fails to amaze me how some people are astounded at the way “computer people” are able to fix most errors in any given program without having even seen the program before.  I’m going to let you in on two little secrets that most computer people use:

Secret #1:

Read the damn error message.

         That’s it.  That’s the first secret.  Ready for the next one?

Secret #2:

Type the error into Google.

         Whew!  That was stressful.  Now that I haven’t been assassinated by the elite corps of tech ninja assassins for revealing our “magical secrets,” I can continue.  
         Recently, I went to help someone out (who shall remain nameless, and although I doubt they read this column, you know who you are) who was fit to be tied over a certain website being a “lousy [string of expletives]” because it would not allow them to complete an order and kept providing an error.  Finally, I went over, and had the problem licked in four seconds flat by using Secret #1.
         The error message read ZIP Code Must Be 5 Digits.
         They’d left a digit off when typing in their information.  Of course that would have been bad.  
         Even if the error message itself doesn’t make sense - or provides a “code” - odds are likely someone else has been in the exact same boat as you are right then and has searched for a solution on the internet.  Almost every time I start typing an error message into Google, it finishes filling it out for me before I’ve gotten even close to halfway there.  And within the first two links, there’s usually a step-by-step solution for how to fix it - or, in some cases, an explanation of why “fixing it” would be a bad idea.
         So the next time you go to ask your resident Computer Person about a problem you’re having, be sure you’ve read the message so you can tell them what it says when they ask.  Also be sure to mention if the error includes the words “fatal,” “critical,” or occurs on a bright blue screen, first.  That’s like telling the cashier at McDonald’s you have a coupon before you order and saves everybody a lot of hassle.
         Thank you for your time.  You may now return to your regularly scheduled time-wasting.