On Personal Ads

       Personal ads are supposed to offer a summarized glimpse into someone else.  The goal is to promote oneself so that the other single (hopefully) person reading the ad can generate a spark of interest and pursue a line of communication.
       Blah, blah, blah.  The problem with personal ads is that they’re written by the person trying to promote themselves.  It’s sort of like an advertisement for cars, where every vehicle has the highest safety ratings and the best gas mileage.  Hmm.  Sounds fishy.
       Hence this article.  Here, I’ve compiled a list of commonly used buzzwords and phrases with their real-world translations.  This should help decipher what people are really trying to say with their ads.

       Physical Descriptions
       A few extra pounds:  a few dozen extra pounds
       Attractive:  homely
       Average:  below average
       Big-boned:  John Goodman
       Curvy:  Rosie O’Donnell
       Cute:  mediocre
       Fit:  owns a gym membership but doesn’t go
       Hot:  dresses like Madonna
       Handsome:  looks like the Elephant Man
       Heavyset:  proudly orders the large combo
       Husky:  lumberjack
       Muscular:  half-witted
       Large:  see ‘Big-boned’ and/or ‘Curvy’
       Sexy:  neurotic about appearance
       Short:  five ten with chip on shoulder
       Slender:  neurotic about food
       Tall:  above 5’6”
       Thin:  delusional
       Toned:  spray-tans
       Voluptuous: wishes she looked like J-Lo
       Well-built:  wishes he looked like Ahhnold


       Likes and Hobbies
       Art: I will nitpick your decor
       Beaches:  I have no direction in life
       Boats:  I daydream
       Candlelit Dinners:  I have acne
       Cars:  I’m easily entertained
       Cloud-watching:  I’m braindead
       Coffee:  I’m a jackoff first thing in the morning
       Cooking:  I like spoiling others
       Crafts:  I only know one position
       Cuddling:  I’m in the closet and in denial
       Eating:  I like indulging myself
       Gardening:  I like getting dirty
       Hanging out:  I’m an alcoholic and/or pothead
       Holding hands:  I’m a virgin
       Long walks:  I’m unoriginal
       Motorcycles:  I play at being a bad boy/girl
       Movies:  I state the obvious
       Music:  I ignore emergency vehicles while driving
       Politics:  I’m belligerent
       Reading:  I like it when you don’t talk
       Skiing:  I’m overpaid
       Skydiving:  I’m suicidal
       Sleeping:  My bed cost more than my car
       Sunsets:  I’m not romantic at all
       Surfing the Net:  I’m a pervert
       Video Games:  I have ADD


       Personality
       Adventurous:  constantly gets lost
       Caring:  smothering
       Charming:  player
       Crazy:  crazy
       Dependable:  inflexible
       Down to Earth:  drama queen/king
       Feisty:  stubborn
       Fun-loving:  irresponsible
       Funny:  repeats bad jokes
       Great personality:  I crack mirrors
       Homebody:  boring
       Honest:  uptight
       Intelligent:  arrogant
       Laid back:  lazy
       Likes pets:  lonely and/or desperate
       Loving:  codependent
       Outgoing:  overbearing
       Quiet:  hates people
       Romantic:  never had a relationship
       Shy:  socially awkward
       Smart:  uses long words incorrectly
       Spontaneous:  incapable of planning
       Talkative:  never shuts up
       Wild:  has multiple DUI’s
       Witty:  sarcastic


       Seeking...
       A friend:  I have trust issues
       A hookup:  we’re both adults with needs
       Companion:  someone to do things for me
       Lifemate:  I’m overly clingy
       My soulmate:  run, run now
       Someone to trust:  I have no self-esteem
       The love of my life:  I read Harlequins
       The One:  I’m a fairy tale princess


Obviously, this is an incomplete list.  However, it should be sufficient to get you started on your path to truth.  Take, for example, the following ad:  

“I'm looking for a friend to hang out watch movies an Injoy life I love coffee an I'm kinda a home body I guess depends but I Injoy talkeing long walks looking up at the sky in wounder I love having cook outs with friends an a few beers. I love music its my realse to the world it gives me a sence of anything can happen its how we handle those things that make us strong but Im looking for someone I can trust in life a true companion friend till the end. Message for email :) Life is full of memories to make”

Yes, this is a real ad (fancy link).  Atrocious grammar and spelling aside, here is the translation:

“I have trust issues and am an alcoholic pothead who likes to enjoy life.  I’m a jackoff first thing in the morning and am kind of boring, I guess, but I never shut up and am unoriginal and braindead.  I love spoiling my friends and drinking a few beers.  I love to ignore emergency vehicles while driving, it gives me a sense that anything can happen.  It’s how we handle those things that make us strong, but I have no self-esteem and am looking for someone to do things for me til the end.  Message me for my email address :)  Life is full of memories to make.”

Well, now, the truth shall set you free!  At least now you’ll really know what you’re getting into.  Why not go check out a few more of those eHarmony profiles you were reading earlier with a little more clarity?

On Fireman Sam

       Recently, my daughter has become obsessed with a Welsh children’s show called Fireman Sam.  While this name may not be very familiar to US readers, I’m sure he’s a well-known character across the pond.  For those who haven’t seen the show, I suppose you could liken it to a firefighter version of Bob the Builder.. only, Sam actually talks to people instead of construction equipment.  In fact, there are several holiday specials where Fireman Sam and Bob the Builder share the spotlight.
       The current version of the show, which has graced our presence thanks to Netflix, takes place in the fictional “town” - hamlet would be more accurate a description - of Pontypandy (my apologies to fans of the show if that’s spelled incorrectly).  Watching this show as an adult, however, I cannot imagine how anything actually gets accomplished in this place other than skyrocketing homeowner’s insurance premiums.  As far as I can tell, the town has barely over a dozen inhabitants, which are almost exclusively firemen or children.  The majority of the adults have only brief appearances on occasional episodes.
       In the past few weeks, I’ve been exposed to quite a bit of Fireman Sam.  Keep in mind, however, that I am not claiming to be an encyclopedic source of knowledge of the show.  That having been said, as of the time of this writing, being inundated with almost 30 hours of it in the past three weeks is enough to count for something.
       I divide the town’s population into three groups:  Adults, Firemen, and Children:

       Adults
       1.) Dylis - Norman’s mom, runs some sort of store.
       2.) Bella - she runs the Italian restaurant, and couldn’t have a more stereotypical speech pattern if she tried.  
       3.) Bronwyn - a new-age-esque cafe owner.  Yes, this town actually has two restaurants.  Seems to be married to Charlie the Fisherman.
       4.) Trevor - bus driver.  Why this town needs a bus escapes me.
       5.) Charlie - the fisherman, and one of only two adults with a believable job on the show.
       6.) Mike - the town handyman.  With as much drama, accidents, infernos, floods, and explosions as go on in this show, he’s got to be absurdly busy.  Helen’s husband.
       7.) Helen - the town nurse.  Obviously, someone has to provide health care to these accident-prone folks, but a full-time nurse is an absurd idea.
       Firemen (and Woman)
       8.) Fireman Sam - obviously, the show’s namesake is the only person with any form of common sense, succeeds at everything on the first try, and never has anything hiccup on him.  Also, he is called for literally every single problem in Pontypandy.
       9.) Elvis - the opposite of Sam, Elvis is completely inept.  And yes, has far too many references to Elvis Presley.
       10.) Penny - the only firewoman, Penny is usually seen providing support for Sam, or piloting the aquatic rescue vessels.
       11.) Tom - he pilots the rescue helicopter.
       12.) Station Officer Steele - the old-timer who runs the Pontypandy Fire Brigade.  
       Children
       13.) Norman Price - the only character who is regularly referred to as having a full name, Norman is inconsiderate and has the common sense of roadkill.  The only reason he has a full name, as far as I can tell, is specifically so the adults and firefighters can bellow “NORMAN PRICE!” whenever any of his hijinks go wrong.
       14.) James - one of a pair of twins.  Charlie seems to be his dad.
       15.) Sarah - the other twin, voiced with quite possibly the shrillest voice outside of Japanese anime.
       16.) Mandy - the nurse’s daughter, and the most level-headed of the kids.

       Yes, I just outlined the entire cast of the show.  The number of characters that recur regularly is even smaller.  Penny, for example, I had to watch four episodes just to catch her name after I started thinking about this post.  Tom, the helicopter pilot, is absent from entire DVD’s.  Same with many of the adults.
       But I digress.  This “town” has a total of sixteen people - four of which are children, at least two married couples, which means at most there are a whopping ten households (with two restaurants and a full-time nurse).  And not a single bit of schooling visible, either public, home, or otherwise (kid’s show census data:  25% of Pontypandy’s population are unschooled children).  Five of these sixteen people are to keep the disasters down.  In fact, 31% of Pontypandy are in the fire prevention industry.  Judging by the disasters that strike this town almost daily, that fully staffed fire brigade - equipped with an engine, water truck, helicopter, and water skiff - it’s a good thing that much of the population are trained in such things.
       Every episode, some form of disaster occurs.  These range in severity from the entire town being flooded under eight feet of water to Norman Price getting himself hung from a tree by his suspenders.  More often than not, as the show’s name implies, something is going to burn.  The adult’s homes are often targets for the flames which - of course - are magically cured next episode, regardless of the degree of the blaze.  Even the fire station is a target for several fires.  If real kids were exposed to the sort of daily life-threatening situations these children were, they’d come out more like shell-shocked war zone victims than giggling.  The same goes for the adults - any parent whose child spent seven days in a row inhaling smoke in three different house fires, trapped in a cave on day four, airlifted out of a flood on day five, nearly getting barbecued on day six, and stranded on a burning boat adrift on day seven would probably have an aneurysm.  Especially if this was “normal” for the town.
       As I said earlier, oh, the insurance premiums.
       Though I suppose I shouldn’t watch any children’s show with an analytical adult mindset.  It’s a difficult thing to do, I must admit.  Particularly when the show places a great emphasis on safety and fire prevention, and in many episodes includes actual firefighting procedures (electrical vs. oil fires, for example), and they still manage to burn down half of Pontypandy every day.
       Then again, it is television.  I suppose I should know better than to analyze television for believability, regardless of whether it’s a kid’s show or not.

On Bodily Functions

       I'm not certain if anyone can truly tell the origins of Americans using "number one" and "number two" to refer to specific activities in the bathroom.  That's a testament to how long their use has been in our culture, as well as a huge neon sign pointing to the fact that we like to hide our various natural bodily functions behind cutesy colloquialisms.
       However, there are far more than two functions, yet there are only two numerical codes.  This is clearly a gave oversight, one which should have been remedied ages ago.  Since it hasn't, I propose the following list of Bodily Function Number Codes:

       Number Three:  sneezing or coughing while going Number Two
       Number Four:  ran out of toilet paper
       Number Five:  random, unnecessary erection while in public place
       Number Six:  excessive enchilada gas
       Number Seven:  incessant mucus production/post-nasal drip
       Number Eight:  ate far too much corn
       Number Nine:  accidental breastmilk expression
       Number Ten:  hearing difficulties due to earwax
       Number Twenty-Two:  constipation requiring multiple trips before actually going Number Two
       Number 99 (or 23):  body temperature fluctuating between 99 and 23 degrees (see also hot flash)
       Number Two Hundred:  explosive diarrhea
       Number 666:  cramps related to Aunt Flo

       While this list does not present itself as comprehensive, its purpose is to provide a framework upon which others may build.  I’m certain that, given a little circulation, the use of “Sorry, I have Number Six today” at family gatherings could save lots of adults nasal trauma while keeping the children from beating the poor horse to a pulp with repeated fart jokes.  Or, if you’re at my family’s Thanksgiving, it could be equivalent to an air raid siren notifying people to evacuate the living room.
       With as widespread as the current use of Numbers One and Two is, I don’t foresee it to be a difficult transition at all for everyone in the country to begin using this list, which shall be made readily available on this website for reference purposes, that few people read, by the end of the year.  
       After all, everything else is due by the end of the year, why not this list?  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve some Number Seven to address.

On Wawa's Turkey Bowl

       Every year, in the fall, the gas-station-turned-supermarket known as Wawa starts selling their famous turkey bowls.  For those of you who aren’t familiar, it’s a bowl (obviously) filled with mashed potatoes, stuffing, turkey, and then drowned in gravy.
       In short, it is a condensed quick-service version of all the highlights of Thanksgiving, except without the traffic, death threats, incest jokes, stress, loud children, parents yelling at the loud children, chaos, burnt rolls, and inevitable “the house is boiling hot, why is all the food cold?” musings.  Or perhaps that’s just my family.
       It does, however, come with all the guilty carbohydrate-and-tryptophan-laden deliciousness of the traditional* meal.  Except if the meal were served hot and at your leisure, in a quiet place free of jostling, where nobody is fighting for table space so they’re not demoted to eating out of their lap on the couch, watching their drink like a hawk so none of the people present (which clearly exceeds maximum capacity as decreed by the fire department) knock it while trying to squeeze past.  Or perhaps that’s just my family.
       In other words, it’s the core essence of the season, highlighting the best points of a hearty fall meal.  And considering how much you get, it’s quite cheap.  Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t Gordon Ramsay’s cooking - after all, it is a gas station at the root of its business - but it’s still quite good.  Grab some iced tea from the cooler and you’re all set for Thanksgiving in October.  
       Without someone banging tunelessly on the piano while everyone pretends not to hear the racket.  Or perhaps that’s just my family.
       This post is taking far longer than normal to write, but that’s primarily because I’m trying to muffle my own indecent noises of foodgasmic joy and only typing between greedily-shoveled-in bites.. which is a task difficult to do when you’re sharing elbow room with two other people on a couch who are both complaining that you need to eat more (but should lose some weight).  Or perhaps... that’s just my family.
       To quote a coworker who just sent me an instant message, “ok this thing is the truth.”  
       So you’ll have to excuse me if I ignore the smirks of those not in-the-know regarding the beauty that is the Turkey Bowl at Wawa.  Yes, I get my Thanksgiving rocks off at a gas station in early October.  Yes, I will do so multiple times between now and “Turkeh Day.”  Yes, the bowl contains an absurd amount of carbs (so does your stuffing and mashed potatoes at a traditional* Thanksgiving dinner).  And yes, I will finish it in one sitting.
       Easily.
       After all, you’re supposed to indulge on Thanksgiving, right?  That special time of the year when everybody is allowed to gorge with wanton abandon and no concern for calorie content - unless you’re with my family.
       So while Thanksgiving slowly ticks closer, with my family’s perfectly traditional* dishes of pancit, braised endive, taco dip, and tomato-mozzarella salad, I do believe I’ll start adjusting my driving routes to roll past that Wawa by my house.  After all, what better way to kick off a lazy Sunday nap than a carb-laden food coma?