On Bodily Functions

       I'm not certain if anyone can truly tell the origins of Americans using "number one" and "number two" to refer to specific activities in the bathroom.  That's a testament to how long their use has been in our culture, as well as a huge neon sign pointing to the fact that we like to hide our various natural bodily functions behind cutesy colloquialisms.
       However, there are far more than two functions, yet there are only two numerical codes.  This is clearly a gave oversight, one which should have been remedied ages ago.  Since it hasn't, I propose the following list of Bodily Function Number Codes:

       Number Three:  sneezing or coughing while going Number Two
       Number Four:  ran out of toilet paper
       Number Five:  random, unnecessary erection while in public place
       Number Six:  excessive enchilada gas
       Number Seven:  incessant mucus production/post-nasal drip
       Number Eight:  ate far too much corn
       Number Nine:  accidental breastmilk expression
       Number Ten:  hearing difficulties due to earwax
       Number Twenty-Two:  constipation requiring multiple trips before actually going Number Two
       Number 99 (or 23):  body temperature fluctuating between 99 and 23 degrees (see also hot flash)
       Number Two Hundred:  explosive diarrhea
       Number 666:  cramps related to Aunt Flo

       While this list does not present itself as comprehensive, its purpose is to provide a framework upon which others may build.  I’m certain that, given a little circulation, the use of “Sorry, I have Number Six today” at family gatherings could save lots of adults nasal trauma while keeping the children from beating the poor horse to a pulp with repeated fart jokes.  Or, if you’re at my family’s Thanksgiving, it could be equivalent to an air raid siren notifying people to evacuate the living room.
       With as widespread as the current use of Numbers One and Two is, I don’t foresee it to be a difficult transition at all for everyone in the country to begin using this list, which shall be made readily available on this website for reference purposes, that few people read, by the end of the year.  
       After all, everything else is due by the end of the year, why not this list?  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve some Number Seven to address.