Blah, blah, blah. The problem with personal ads is that they’re written by the person trying to promote themselves. It’s sort of like an advertisement for cars, where every vehicle has the highest safety ratings and the best gas mileage. Hmm. Sounds fishy.
Hence this article. Here, I’ve compiled a list of commonly used buzzwords and phrases with their real-world translations. This should help decipher what people are really trying to say with their ads.
Physical Descriptions
A few extra pounds: a few dozen extra pounds
Attractive: homely
Average: below average
Big-boned: John Goodman
Curvy: Rosie O’Donnell
Cute: mediocre
Fit: owns a gym membership but doesn’t go
Hot: dresses like Madonna
Handsome: looks like the Elephant Man
Heavyset: proudly orders the large combo
Husky: lumberjack
Muscular: half-witted
Large: see ‘Big-boned’ and/or ‘Curvy’
Sexy: neurotic about appearance
Short: five ten with chip on shoulder
Slender: neurotic about food
Tall: above 5’6”
Thin: delusional
Toned: spray-tans
Voluptuous: wishes she looked like J-Lo
Well-built: wishes he looked like Ahhnold
Likes and Hobbies
Art: I will nitpick your decor
Beaches: I have no direction in life
Boats: I daydream
Candlelit Dinners: I have acne
Cars: I’m easily entertained
Cloud-watching: I’m braindead
Coffee: I’m a jackoff first thing in the morning
Cooking: I like spoiling others
Crafts: I only know one position
Cuddling: I’m in the closet and in denial
Eating: I like indulging myself
Gardening: I like getting dirty
Hanging out: I’m an alcoholic and/or pothead
Holding hands: I’m a virgin
Long walks: I’m unoriginal
Motorcycles: I play at being a bad boy/girl
Movies: I state the obvious
Music: I ignore emergency vehicles while driving
Politics: I’m belligerent
Reading: I like it when you don’t talk
Skiing: I’m overpaid
Skydiving: I’m suicidal
Sleeping: My bed cost more than my car
Sunsets: I’m not romantic at all
Surfing the Net: I’m a pervert
Video Games: I have ADD
Personality
Adventurous: constantly gets lost
Caring: smothering
Charming: player
Crazy: crazy
Dependable: inflexible
Down to Earth: drama queen/king
Feisty: stubborn
Fun-loving: irresponsible
Funny: repeats bad jokes
Great personality: I crack mirrors
Homebody: boring
Honest: uptight
Intelligent: arrogant
Laid back: lazy
Likes pets: lonely and/or desperate
Loving: codependent
Outgoing: overbearing
Quiet: hates people
Romantic: never had a relationship
Shy: socially awkward
Smart: uses long words incorrectly
Spontaneous: incapable of planning
Talkative: never shuts up
Wild: has multiple DUI’s
Witty: sarcastic
Seeking...
A friend: I have trust issues
A hookup: we’re both adults with needs
Companion: someone to do things for me
Lifemate: I’m overly clingy
My soulmate: run, run now
Someone to trust: I have no self-esteem
The love of my life: I read Harlequins
The One: I’m a fairy tale princess
Obviously, this is an incomplete list. However, it should be sufficient to get you started on your path to truth. Take, for example, the following ad:
“I'm looking for a friend to hang out watch movies an Injoy life I love coffee an I'm kinda a home body I guess depends but I Injoy talkeing long walks looking up at the sky in wounder I love having cook outs with friends an a few beers. I love music its my realse to the world it gives me a sence of anything can happen its how we handle those things that make us strong but Im looking for someone I can trust in life a true companion friend till the end. Message for email :) Life is full of memories to make”
Yes, this is a real ad (fancy link). Atrocious grammar and spelling aside, here is the translation:
“I have trust issues and am an alcoholic pothead who likes to enjoy life. I’m a jackoff first thing in the morning and am kind of boring, I guess, but I never shut up and am unoriginal and braindead. I love spoiling my friends and drinking a few beers. I love to ignore emergency vehicles while driving, it gives me a sense that anything can happen. It’s how we handle those things that make us strong, but I have no self-esteem and am looking for someone to do things for me til the end. Message me for my email address :) Life is full of memories to make.”
Well, now, the truth shall set you free! At least now you’ll really know what you’re getting into. Why not go check out a few more of those eHarmony profiles you were reading earlier with a little more clarity?
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