On Children's Television

 
    Children’s television has become a large part of how our kids learn these days.  I suppose I should specify that this is referring to small children’s television, typically aimed at kids under the age of five; the Ninja Turtles and such can move on for another article at a later date.  There are, however, a large number of subconscious messages that lie hidden within the frames of animation that might be overlooked by some parents.  Here, I aim to bring some of the more insidious ones to light.
       Any readers who don’t have access to small children, either their own or someone else’s, probably won’t get half the references contained within.  I won’t be offended if those of you that are free from small human interaction skip this column (for the time being).  I expect you to return when the stork does.
       Wonder Pets teaches your children that their parents are careless and will abandon them.  Why else would every baby animal parent go on vacation, leaving their beloved (?) offspring to get stuck in a tree?
       Go Diego Go inspires your kids to go pick up and/or touch any animal that you find, since they’re all smiling and friendly and most certainly will not eat them.  Especially jaguars.  They’re just big kitty cats and will never, ever maul or consume a human.
       Max & Ruby instills the lesson in your little one that a.) not having a mother or father around is perfectly acceptable, your big sister can run everything, and b.) disobeying said big sister and aggravating her to the ends of the earth (while she is taking care of the household as outlined in point A) is perfectly acceptable and comes with no consequences.  Also, if your child is on the older end of the viewing spectrum, it teaches them that being a raging beast-on-wheels and speaking to your little brother in an extremely condescending fashion is acceptable.  No wonder the two hate each other.
       Yo Gabba Gabba! promotes the use of LSD.
       Caillou lets your child know that he’s a kid who’s four.  Really.  Other than that and whining “Mom-meeeeeeeee!” at least seventeen times per episode (which reinforces that this behavior is acceptable and even expected, I might add), there is literally nothing redeeming about this show.  I knew I should have been suspect about a child who is bald at four who is not suffering from some horrible affliction.
       Dora the Explorer teaches your child that talking AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE AT ALL TIMES is a good thing.  In addition, saying everything eight or nine times in said obscene volume is also required.  If your child has ever seen an episode of Dora, and you ever wonder why they say, “Mom, I’m hungry!  Mom, I’m hungry!  Mom, I’m hungry!  Mom, I’m hungry!  Mom, I’m hungry!  Mom, I’m hungry!  Mom, I’m hungry!  Mom, I’m hungry!”, this is why.  In addition, this program demonstrates that wearing ill-fitting clothes that expose your midriff is perfectly fine, even though it is considered child pornography in some parts of the world.
       Ni Hao Kai Lan teaches your child that they can “speak Chinese” by knowing the words red, green, jump, pull, Grandpa, and swim.  I know of so many absolutely scintillating conversations that can be formed with that extensive vocabulary.  
       Strawberry Shortcake informs your child that replacing the word very with berry is “cute” and should be done so at every single possible opportunity, even if it occurs four times in the same sentence.
       Barney teaches your little one how to dress to get bullied at school.  Now I’m not advocating dressing like a thug or streetwalker, but I can honestly say that every kid at every school I’ve ever attended who tucked his or her t-shirt into their shorts while the waistband was worn somewhere around his or her ribcage got real used to being punched and shoved into lockers at a very early age.
       It’s these little things that often go overlooked by parents, who select the shows their children watch to establish valuable life lessons more by what keeps their child’s attention, rather than the subliminal lessons that aren’t directly voiced.  Kids are sharp, though.  They pick up on these things, even if it’s not something they are cognizantly aware of.  
       So the next time your child runs off on their own at the zoo to try and pet the fuzzy lion while talking quite nastily to their younger sibling between asking said lion why the Mandarin word for “green” tastes so berry good, all while wearing the latest Disney shirt tucked into their shorts worn berry, berry high up their torso, stop and take a moment to consider the source of all this behavior.
       You might berry well have had something to do with it.