On Vending Machines

       Our vending machines at my place of employment subscribe to this “healthier you” thing.
       As you may have noted from my duties to aid your survival in the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse, dear reader, I don’t.  As a matter of fact, one could say this healthy business is putting you at unnecessary risk.
       However, while waiting for my meal to heat (a breakfast scramble consisting of eggs, sausage, cheese, home-fried potatoes, and gravy, of course) I couldn’t help but notice they had a system of check marks which were supposed to attract your attention to healthier choices.
       Or, given the company name was completely unpronounceable, might that be Czech marks?
       A blue check mark was to signify items with “less than 5g fat and 30% calories from fat per serving.”  I couldn’t help but notice this color was completely absent from our vending machine.
       A green one was to inform you that the product in question had “less than 15g carbs per serving.”  While this might be of interest for carb counters on the now-defunct Atkins plan, I couldn’t help but wonder - wasn’t 15g of carbs more than the weekly allowance for the carb-conscious?  I ponder this, of course, while checking the label on my breakfast bowl, which boasts 29g of carbohydrates.  Yummy!
       The last one, an orange check, was to announce that the product had “less than 100 calories per serving.”  At first, I thought this was completely absent from our vending machine stock, which I found incredibly humorous.  Then, I noticed a small string of them, one after the other, on the bottom row.
       Five individual selections boasting the orange Czech mark.  
       All of them were chewing gum.
       That made my giggling even worse.  As though the machine were flashing a giant neon sign:  “Attention, future survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse!  We can satisfy your sweet tooth* for less than 100 calories per serving and at only twice market value!  [*Disclaimer:  The advertised product line is less than 100 calories per serving since you are not actually consuming anything.]”
       In a way, I suppose these organizational check marks serve their purpose.  As I’m browsing the contents of our snack dispensary, should I come across an item which is emblazoned with a proud blue, orange, or green angled logo, I know exactly what to do with it.
       Pick something else.