On My Dedication to Your Survival

        You can thank me whenever you care to for the things that I do to increase your survivability. 
        I suppose I should explain what I mean by that.  Every day, myself and countless others are diligent in our efforts to ensure that the highest possible number of people receive the longest possible and safest evacuation routes to best support the repopulation of the human race.
        I am, of course, referring to the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.
        Now I'm sure you're confused how a small-time writer is helping you prepare for the end of life and civilization as we know it.  I assure you that this is the case.   Here's how we do it, all day, every day. 
        It is a well-documented fact that zombies have an insatiable lust for human flesh, particularly the brain.  The method which we employ to safeguard your swift and uncontested passing through to safety is one which requires nerves of steel and Zen-like understanding of life.
        We provide a juicier target than you do.
        That's right.  Just like a chef seeks out a well-marbled steak at the counter over a gristly piece of 99% lean stringy muscle, zombies also seek out the "best in the flock" to dine upon first.
        I, myself, have not quite been promoted to Grade A Prime zombie desire yet, although the day will certainly come.  As it is, many of you reading this can already breathe a little easier with the knowledge that you will provide less of a tender buffet of human flesh for the undead.  While the zombies busy themselves with gnashing their teeth on the hard-earned results of dedicated burger and bacon consumption, you and your loved ones will be free to flee to your pre-established evacuation zones.
        You do have a pre-established evacuation zone, don't you?
        And that isn't even where our efforts begin.  Even after being chomped and chewed and partially digested, our efforts to ensure your survival continue.  Yes, it's like one of those infomercials, only we don't require an easy payment schedule. 
        After we have been converted to the ranks of the undead, it will be easy to spot us lumbering along.  Being in not the best of physical conditions to begin with, our reanimated corpses will provide slow targets for your sniper defenses.  Slow-moving, large targets.  And it is widely speculated that we might still retain a deeply-rooted taste for other life.. namely, pigs and cows.  All of which will further provide you with a higher chance for safe escape. 
        It is a difficult and sometimes morbid path we choose.  Not everyone can do it.  Many panic at the idea of the coming end and seek to rapidly reverse their decision, shedding the results of years of training.  Others deal with the pressure by not thinking of the grim possibilities.  And there are the few, like yours truly, who embrace their role as a Protector of Humanity in the face of the worst possible odds that can be:  guaranteed death to assure another human's survival. 
        You can express your thanks in the form of bacon cheeseburgers, fried chicken, or pizza.  Thank you for your time.