It has come to my attention that many people who know me think I am incapable of enjoying anything green, unless it is atop at least a quarter-pound of grilled cow. The fact that my Holy Trifecta of Favorite Dishes consists of pizza, cheeseburgers, and fried chicken seems to have given them the wrong idea.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
I’m quite fond of vegetables of all sorts. Fungi, too. Raw mushrooms add a wonderful earthiness to salads. I’ve been known to carve a swath of destruction through a fair number of veggie platters, particularly if Ranch dressing or warm spinach-artichoke dip is present. While some might argue that dip invalidates the point of eating vegetables to begin with, I beg to differ.
After all, they’re still in my stomach, aren’t they?
There are a few lines I will draw in the sand, however. Sprouts, for one. Why anyone would think adding a handful of spindly little organic wires to a salad or sandwich would be a good idea is beyond me. Primarily considering that the organic wires in question add an overpowering taste of topsoil to the dish.
Cucumbers, cream cheese, and dirt. Why yes, this sounds appetizing!
(Speaking of which, a cucumber and cream cheese sandwich is fantastic, if you’ve never tried it.)
I’ve also been ridiculed about having a hidden agenda against vegetarian and vegan cuisine. Once again, dead wrong. I find my palate drawn to where the flavor is, and there is a vast library of extremely delicious vegetarian and vegan dishes. I’m very partial to Indian cuisine, which, in many regions, is almost completely vegetarian. Simply YouTube “Indian vegetarian dishes,” watch a few, and try to tell me your mouth isn’t watering.
That having been said, I do find it comical when proponents of vegetarian lifestyles who claim that processed ingredients are cancerous to your system turn around and buy meatless “chicken” tenders made with textured soy protein. Hmm. I hate to be the one to say it, but tofu doesn’t look like that without a lot of mechanical intervention and dyes.
I suppose the biggest factor that leads people to the false opinion that “I hate vegetables” comes from my - how shall I say - rather vocal protest of “phony things.” Like the aforementioned meatless “chicken” tenders.
Or veggie burgers. “You won’t even notice the meat is gone!”
Yes. Yes, I will.
I don’t care how far science progresses, vegetables will never be able to recreate that primal joy of meat juice. Or, as those readers who subscribe to vegetarian and/or vegan lifestyles might prefer I say, liquefied animal fat and blood.
Yep, I said it. That’s what makes your burger juicy. Queasy? I could recommend a few good vegetarian cookbooks. The Book of Tofu is an excellent resource, and a brilliant one is in the works out of an Indian restaurant in Britain named Prashad recently. If you order it from them, tell Kaushy I sent you. No sense in wasting a perfectly good plug.
Don’t act so surprised when I say that I own a copy of The Book of Tofu and have already made several recipes from The Prashad Cookbook (there are several on their YouTube channel and Facebook page). They’re all quite delicious, I assure you. Provided you aren’t one to vomit at the idea of eating a cooked pea to begin with. I’m afraid I can’t help you with that aspect.
But if you try and tell me that Gardenburger with tofurkey bacon and “melted” vegetable protein “cheese” on a gluten-free vegan bun will convert me from my carnivorous ways, you’re sorely mistaken.
Shameless Book Plugs:
The Book of Tofu
http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-Tofu-William-Shurtleff/dp/1580080138
The Prashad Cookbook
http://www.amazon.com/Prashad-Cookbook-Kaushy-Patel/dp/1444734717
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