On Dignity and Wal*Martians

       Say what you want about Wal*Mart and their corporate practices.  That's beside the point.
       There is one thing that cannot be disputed about the ultra-mega-mart:  it seems to be a magnet for freaks the likes of which Hot Topic patrons would gawk at.
       I don't mean every customer, of course.  I shop there, myself, and consider myself to be only slightly touched in the head (although that topic is up for review next month).  However, the per capita rate of utter loonies is alarming within the walls of Sam Walton's first brainchild.
       Sam's Club isn't affected, so I can only blame the rather creepy and all-too inviting smiley face which seems to adorn 90% of all displays in the store.  Perhaps the slogan plastered on the outside of the building does the trick.  Although, out of context, whenever I see that cursive "Always," the first thing to pop in my mind is not "low prices," but rather "feminine hygiene product."
       (See paragraph #3 regarding my mental stability.)
       Whatever the root cause may be, it is almost inevitable that on any given trip to the magical land of rollbacks, you will encounter at least one of these "Wal*Martians."
       These people must not own mirrors.
       There's even a website dedicated to their mockery (www.peopleofwalmart.com) which captures the magic of these close encounters of the absurd kind for all time.  I dearly hope any real Martians don't have access to the internet.  Otherwise, all hope for our species is lost if that's mistaken for worship or admiration of any kind.
       I would normally abhor writing about a topic that involves sentences such as "these people" and "all hope for humanity is lost."  Or implies I might support the benefits of genetic weeding for the benefit of the species.  However, after you have encountered a Wal*Martian, I'm certain that you would agree.  At least in part.
       Should you meet one of these beings in person, I have devised a short list of safety practices that should be followed.
       1.)  No Flash Photography.  Or even non-flash photography, for that matter.  Not only is it rude to take someone's picture without their permission, but keep in mind this is not a wild animal we're taking images of.  It might think you like it.
       2.)  Do Not Engage It In Conversation.  Far, far worse than taking a picture would be to speak with the strange being.  You may end up with a stalker who wishes to discuss nothing more than their opinions on “fashion” (as their species interprets it) or provide a justification (as it were) of why their dress and/or behavior is acceptable in human society.  
       3.)  Maintain a Safe Distance.  Wal*Martians can be classified in the “unstable” category.  Any person who has checked that much of their dignity at the door before appearing in public - and worse, is proud of the display they’re presenting - should be treated with the same minimum safe distance as applied to someone wearing a muddy pink bunny costume missing its head carrying an aluminum bat.  (Which I have seen at the store.)
       4.)  Avoid Contaminated Foodstuffs.  In the event a Wal*Martian enters an aisle containing consumable products, make a note on your grocery list to pick it up later at another store.  The possible combinations of biotoxins emitted from exposed bodily orifices is alarming, and does little to improve the flavor of the products (in most cases).
       Following the above-outlined safety protocols will ensure a pleasant visit to the store, and keep any instance of a Wal*Martian’s presence firmly rooted in your mind as a comical memory, rather than require a quarantine visit to your local hospital and/or years of rehabilitative psychotherapy.